I have my moments of extreme frustration and exhaustion, which I am sure poor Kyle could tell you all about. I have moments where I want to burst I am so irritated with daily life. Like:
why I cannot fold a basket of laundry without it being immediately unfolded and thrown across the room
why I cannot cook a meal without a baby tugging on my clothes and screaming so I end up having to cook and clean up one handed (not something I would recommend)
why I cannot go on a walk where inevitably when I am at the furthest point from home is when they start screaming that they want to get down
why I have not had a solid nights sleep in 2 1/2 yrs. Once Hunter started sleeping though the night then baby #2 was born, and once baby #2 started sleeping though the night then baby #1 started getting in bed with us and now either one, or both children end up in bed with us EVERY NIGHT. And I mean EVERY NIGHT.
why I only get to take a shower once every 3 or 4 days
why I have given up running errands and go days without essential items (kyle not so happy about this one) b/c I am too exhausted to lug 2 heavy boys into their car seats, just to get them back out in less than 10 minutes to run into the store (where I spend half the time handing out snacks, sippy cups, stickers, or anything to keep them occupied only to forget why I went there in the 1st place), just to put them back in their car seats again, just to get them back out again at home, where I realize I didn't even get the main item I went out for
why I realize my credit card is not in my wallet after I get to a store b/c my children were playing in my diaper bag and misplaced it right before we left...
I could go on and on but this in not the point. The point is - I have these moments and yet, for the first time in 2 1/2 years I am beginning to see how lucky I was to have 2 boys 12 months apart. They turn 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 this month and I feel like I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I was so bogged down with just getting through the day that I never had time to enjoy it. I have been in survival mode for so long and at times felt a little bitter at how challenging EVERYTHING seemed to be. But I have really been starting to let things go, and enjoy moments.
To my fun, happy boys:
I love their curls
I love their smiles
I love wiping their runny noses
I love how Hunter calls Drake Boppy, or lately, just Bops
I love how they copy each other
I love snuggling with them at night
I love it when Hunter says I love you mommy out of the blue
I love it when Drake wraps his arms around me for a hug, then nestles his head in my neck, tucks his arms in and relaxes his whole body as if he was in the best place in the world
I love how they run around the yard and squeel
I love how they motion to the Itsy Bitsy Spider
I love how they play cars together
I love it when they bring books to me and think it is the most awesome thing in the world to sit and read
I love it when we say the blessing at night Drake says Amen 5 times before he eats
I love how Hunter puts his hands together to say his prayers at night and looks at me and Says "Prayers Mommy"
I love the way they smell
I love how they work quietly and together when they know they are doing something they are not suppose to be doing
I love watching them sleep...
Again, I could go on and on, but I feel finally that I am coming out of a fog. Having them 12 months apart has been the hardest thing I have ever done (obviously). 2 years of straight baby is harder than you can ever imagine (1 year is tough enough). I remember feeling so sad for Hunter after Drake was born b/c I was worried being only 12 months that he would miss so much importnant one on one time with mommy, and feeling sad for Drake because I could never sit and just play with Drake or nurse him without having to read to another child, or do a puzzle, or keep a 12 month old out of trouble. (Nursing one handed does build muscle though:)) But even though I cannot express apporpriately all these feelings, I do know that these amazing boys do not know life without each other and thank goodness for it. They have built in best friends who have unconditional love for each other. How lucky they are! And how lucky Kyle and I are. God has a plan for us all, and though his plan does not always seem easy, at some point you are able to realize how his magical hands are molding our lives.
Isaiah 40:31 was the verse I had on my track spikes in high school and has always been one of my favorite verses.
"Those who trust in the Lord will find their strength renewed
They will rise on wings like eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not faint."